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8,099 words, 43 minutes read time.

How to Have the Emperor All to Yourself in the Imperial Harem?

Seriously, I don’t need to figure it out.

Because I’m with the Emperor twenty-four hours a day. I even have to time how long he spends with his wives at night.

Weird, right?

Well, here’s the thing: I’m the Court Recorder. It’s literally my job to write down everything he does.

Okay, maybe not everything is that weird.

Every morning, I rush to get ready, then run to the Emperor’s bedroom. I stand three steps behind him, writing down everything he says and does inside the palace. Everything. Even if he farts, I have to write it.

For example, if the Emperor complains to Head Butler Li, “Lady Li’s breath is too strong. Tell the kitchen to give her lighter food.”

Or if he reads a minister’s report and yells, “Is this idiot so stupid because his favorite wife poured water into his brain?”

I write it all down, word for word.

Naturally, because of my job, the Emperor and I… well, let’s just say he doesn’t like me much. Mostly he dislikes me.

He even uses his power to annoy me. Like, when he’s grumpy in the morning, he makes me dress him.

Is that really a Court Recorder’s job?

Head Butler Li watches me with sad eyes because I took his job. I nod and quickly write: Day 9: The Emperor orders the Court Recorder to dress him.

The Emperor roars, “Wei Anzhi! If you write that nonsense again, I’ll execute your whole family!”

Chapter 2

Does he think his threat scares me?

Ha! My whole “family” is just me.

My drunk dad died young. My mom worked hard to raise me. Both my parents were orphans, so we had no relatives. Mom struggled terribly to put me through school.

She died during my first year as an official. She never saw me succeed.

When I returned to the capital after mourning Mom, the officials wanted to send me to the Archives to be like wallpaper.

Then they saw I was a bit clueless, and the last Court Recorder was worn out by the Emperor. So they changed their minds.

“You look quite handsome,” they said. “Your eyes are especially charming, just like the cat the Emperor had when he was young. He might like you.”

It sounded like I was becoming a royal favorite, not an official!

Thinking of that, I grab the belt from Head Butler Li and pull it tight around the Emperor’s waist. “Tighten up, Your Majesty. You need to eat less.”

The Emperor breathes heavily. “Worry about yourself! Look how thick your waist is!”

Ugh! That’s because you force me to eat with you! You do it so I won’t write down how much you really eat!

Because if people knew the Court Recorder ate at the Emperor’s table, I’d be executed!

But… the Emperor’s food is much better than mine.

Growing up poor, I love good food. I always want more.

Yesterday, while eating, I was still chewing roast lamb when I eyed the braised pork trotters Butler Li brought. I gulped fish soup so I wouldn’t choke.

The Emperor quickly grabbed the biggest pork trotter, laughing, “Wei Anzhi, I never starve you. Why do you eat like a beggar every time? It doesn’t suit your face.”

Annoyed, I tighten his belt hard. “Your Majesty, you complain about Lady Li’s breath. You should watch your own diet too. Eat less heavy food, or your wives might complain later. How embarrassing!”

The Emperor smiles. “You eat whatever I eat. Tired of such fine food?”

I quickly say, “No, no! Eat all you want, Your Majesty. Meat is good for you!”

He laughs loudly. “Wei Anzhi, you fuss so much. I have to find you a good wife. How about Minister He’s daughter?”

“Too spoiled.”
“General Lin’s daughter?”
“Too fierce.”
“Princess Jingyuan?”
Ah, here it comes.

I keep a straight face. “I’m not worthy, Your Majesty.”
He says, “Worthy or not, I’ll announce the marriage at court tomorrow.”
Damn it!
How can two men get married?!

If Mom hadn’t desperately wanted me to succeed, refusing to let me live trapped as a woman, I wouldn’t have risked death by pretending to be a man to take the exams and become an official.

Mom was smart. She taught me to act like a man since childhood. After a year as Recorder, no one suspects a thing.
I’m amazing!
…But I’m about to stop being amazing.

Chapter 3

What’s it like to be chased by a princess?
Thanks for asking. I’m at court. Marriage is coming. Very nervous.
Luckily, I don’t record political stuff. Otherwise, my notes would just say “Dead, dead, dead.”
If the Emperor forces this marriage, the princess will find out on our wedding night that her groom has… well, nothing. My happy event could become a funeral.

After serious business, everyone gets quiet. They know the Emperor has big news.
Princess Jingyuan was happily greeting people earlier. It’s probably about her marriage.
Also, my death sentence.
The Emperor looks at me, eyebrows raised, eyes teasing.
I shake my head wildly, trying to say NO!
He smiles and turns away. “Princess Jingyuan prayed successfully. She is now Princess Jingyuan, First Princess. She gets her own palace. The son of Lord Ping’an caught bandits. Reward: One hundred gold pieces.”
Huh?
Confused, I follow the Emperor out. Princess Jingyuan meets us, also confused.
She scolds the Emperor: “Brother! You broke your promise!”
Then she scolds me: “Wei Anzhi! You heartless man!”
We barely know each other! You chase me to marry you, then insult me? That’s crazy!
The Emperor waves his hand. “Forced fruit isn’t sweet, Jingyuan. You have important duties.”
The princess sneers. “I’ll pick it first, then see if it’s sweet.”
Violent. Scary.
I quietly hide behind the Emperor.
The Emperor gets annoyed. “Then pick it yourself.”
The princess insists. “Brother, you promised to arrange our marriage!”
“I thought you understood we were joking,” the Emperor’s voice turns cold. “Jingyuan, you know why I made you First Princess. Don’t cause trouble. You know what you should and shouldn’t do.”
He leaves, taking me with him.

Chapter 4

The Emperor asks, “Know why I didn’t order the marriage?”
I honestly shake my head.
He says, “Because I also think you’re not good enough.”
?
Personal attack?
“Your Majesty, if you think I’m not good enough, why threaten to arrange it?”
“To scare you.” He smiles. “The officials they picked for my Recorder weren’t as easy to use as you. If you don’t seek great wealth, stay by my side. As long as I rule, I can protect you.”
I definitely don’t seek great wealth. But why does the Emperor’s promise sound strange?
While I think about it, the Emperor blocks Princess Jingyuan several times. I’m happy.
After sending the princess away again, the Emperor smirks. “Wei Anzhi, you’re just a lowly official. I’ve shown you such favor. How will you repay me?”
I say seriously, “I will serve you loyally until death!”
“Who wants you dead? Your little body couldn’t protect me. I’d have to protect you.”
I grin.
He taps my head with his brush. “Why are you smiling? Grind my ink.”
“Okay.”
While working, I check my notes and realize: The Emperor hasn’t called any wives to his room for a month.
But he never did it much anyway.
Head Butler Li finds me. “Anzhi, please persuade His Majesty. The wives are driving me crazy!”
Butler Li shakes his head, looking strangely at me.
“He listens to you. He pays attention to what you say.”
Really?
I think hard.
I told him not to eat sticky osmanthus cakes. Later, the kitchen sent light, refreshing cakes.
I told him a one-hour nap is healthy. So I got a one-hour nap too.
Hmm, the Emperor does listen to me!
I suddenly feel powerful!
A lowly seventh-rank Recorder… do I have the makings of a bad official?

Chapter 5

I was tricked! Butler Li is evil! He sent me because he didn’t want to be scolded.
I confidently advise the Emperor, “Your Majesty, working late every night is tiring. Consort De sent soup to strengthen you. Go try it.”
The Emperor glares. “Wei Anzhi, have I been too kind? You dare interfere in this? You’re my person! Did you take gifts from Consort De? Do you want me to send you to heaven early?”
Gah! Unbelievable!
“Your Majesty, I’m just passing on Butler Li’s message.”
He flips through reports. “Can’t you see I’m busy? No time for those women.”
“You’ve been staring at that report for ages!” I point out. “Butler Li is worried. Please go.”
He glares. “Are you my person or Butler Li’s? Who cares if he’s worried? I’m not going.”
I shrug.
Fine. I tried.
So I write: Day 13: Still did not visit the harem.
The Emperor leans over, trying to see.
I quickly block him. “Your Majesty, you can’t read the notes. It’s the rule.”
He scoffs. “I just wanted to see if you got fatter.”
Why attack me!
The Emperor pinches my arm. “Tsk. Wei Anzhi, with all this fat, your future wife might dislike you.”
I pull away. “Your Majesty, no need to worry about that.”
First, I can’t marry a woman. Second, with my nonstop job, I have no time for a partner!
He smiles. “You’re my Recorder. Your marriage is my business. Why shouldn’t I worry?”
Hmph. Control freak.
When Butler Li comes again, I stop him first. “The Emperor is busy with work. I won’t ask again.”
He says, “Not about that. Haven’t you noticed His Majesty looks at us strangely?”
Huh?
“He pinched my apprentice’s behind several times when you weren’t looking.”
???
Butler Li grabs my hand before I can write. “Don’t write yet! Just watch him tomorrow.”
The next day, I stare hard at the Emperor’s wandering hands.
He frowns. “Why are you staring at me with that creepy face?”
I can’t say I’m checking if he likes men!
So I say, “I’m just doing my job, watching and writing.”
He doesn’t believe me. “Your eyes weren’t this creepy before.”
“Your Majesty looks especially handsome today. I admire you.”
“You like men? You like me?”
The Emperor’s eyes light up. He looks like he’s found a friend.
“I knew it! You stare at me all day. Of course you’re charmed.”
?
Why do you look so happy?
I deny it three times. “No! Not true! Don’t think that!”
He just laughs. “Don’t be shy. I know your feelings. I won’t treat you badly.”

Chapter 6

Wow. Just wow.
Butler Li told me to watch the Emperor.
And I accidentally made him confess.
Gah!
Is he interested in me?!
Were those moments I thought I was a bad official… actually me being a royal favorite?
Butler Li said the Emperor listens to me. Does that mean everyone knows the Emperor likes me?
I’m confused for days. The Emperor’s look seems strange. Our pure work relationship… changed.
While eating a chicken leg, I look up. The Emperor picks up a lotus root slice. He looks at me, smiling, and slowly eats it.
My skin crawls. I feel like that lotus root in his mouth!
He used to fight me for food! Why is he suddenly acting like a peacock?
I panic all day.
So when Princess Jingyuan kicks open the study door, my brush slips. Ink splashes on the Emperor’s robe.
I grab a handkerchief to wipe it. The princess grabs me angrily. “What do you see in him?!”
I look up, confused. She’s yelling at the Emperor.
The Emperor calmly puts down his report. He glances at me. Something tugs at my heart.
He says, “I think he’s cute.”
Huh? That’s… kind of nice.
The princess says, “I don’t care! He’s my man!”
The Emperor sneers. “Jingyuan, stop being childish! I know you dislike Lord Ping’an’s son. But if you want to ruin your engagement by marrying Wei Yi, I’ll just take Wei Yi into my harem!”
Ah! So that’s it! The first time I met the princess, she was arguing with the Emperor about an engagement.
Then she started bothering me.
She’s using me!
The princess looks at me, panicked. “Anzhi, don’t listen! I have no engagement with Lord Ping’an’s son.”
I say calmly, “I’m just a seventh-rank Recorder. Whether used by the Princess or Your Majesty, I have no complaints.”

Chapter 7

Maybe the Emperor doesn’t want the princess thinking about me.
After a year without rest, he gives me a day off.
Or maybe he feels guilty.
Because after he mocked me (“You think you are worth using?”), he pushed me out to talk to the princess alone.
I stumble down two steps and fall hard. My head bleeds. It hurts!
Gah! Work injury, no pay! And the Emperor docks my salary for these days!
Imperial workers have no rights.
Princess Jingyuan, eyes red, peels lychees by my bed. “Does it hurt? Blame my brother for pushing you!”
I stare as she eats a lychee. “Princess, if you want lychees, you don’t need to eat them in front of a sick person.”
She smiles shyly. “Oh, but you can’t eat them.”
So you had a maid get them from the Emperor… just to eat here?!
The princess finishes the lychees. She wipes her hands seriously. “Anzhi, do you believe me? My engagement to Lord Ping’an’s son was just an old promise between our father and the Lord.”
I say, “My belief doesn’t matter. His Majesty needs Lord Ping’an’s support. He won’t let us marry. You shouldn’t have bothered me. It makes things hard for the Emperor.”
But the princess excitedly suggests, “Then let’s run away together!”
Huh? Didn’t you hear me?!
Chapter 8
“I’m tired, Princess. Please leave.” I quickly close my eyes.
The princess shakes me. “Anzhi! Anzhi! Answer me! Please! Wei Anzhi! Wei Yi!”
“What’s all the noise?”
I open my eyes. The Emperor pulls the princess aside. He looks at me. “How’s your head?”
I point to the bandage. “What do you think?”
The Emperor nods. “I think you can come back to work.”
?
Imperial bosses have no heart?
“Your Majesty, you don’t mind me standing near you looking like this?”
“Anyone else watching me write notes makes me uncomfortable.” He says calmly. “Wei Anzhi, if you’re fine, get back here. My patience is limited.”
This still sounds strange. Does the Emperor really like me?
But I’m pretending to be a man! So he likes men? He’s only been Emperor a year. None of his wives are pregnant! The empire is doomed!
I look at my replacement hiding by the door.
He gives me a twisted smile.
The Emperor must have said something awful again. Poor guy.

Chapter 9

The princess is so determined to run away. I think she reads too many romance stories.
She wants to leave at night.
I say, “The palace guards double at night.”
She wants to bring lots of money.
I say, “Exchanging money will expose us.”
She glares. “Then what do you suggest?”
“Nothing.” I shrug. “I won’t kidnap a princess. Punishment: Death for my whole family.”
“I know your ‘whole family’ is just you.”
“So I definitely die.” I smile. “Besides, I heard Lord Ping’an’s son likes you. Didn’t he help you that day?”
“Rumors! That idiot bothered me! I just wanted to save that singer. He butted in, saying stupid things. Shameless!”
The Emperor hears this story and smiles. “Good. To protect your reputation, marry Lord Ping’an’s son.”
The princess says, “No! You like him so much? You marry him!”
She suddenly understands. “Oh! Brother, you like men! You fancy Lord Ping’an’s son but are shy! So you’re using me to get close to him?”
I almost spit out my medicine.
The Emperor is speechless. “Ridiculous! Why would I like smelly, tough men when I have a palace full of women?”
The princess argues sharply, “But you haven’t visited them! Butler Li complained to me!”
I cough. “Well, Your Majesty… Butler Li told me… his apprentice is young… has a long life ahead…”
The Emperor slams the table angrily. “I said I don’t like men! Or eunuchs! Or Recorders!”
?
Why mention me?
Behind the Emperor, my replacement rolls his eyes weakly.

Chapter 10

Hello everyone. Because the Emperor said “I don’t like the Recorder!” (which sounded suspicious), the princess thinks he’s competing with her for me. Angry, she runs away from the palace.
And she takes a hostage.
That hostage is me, the lowly seventh-rank Recorder, Wei Anzhi.
I wake up in a bumpy carriage. Princess Jingyuan happily jumps on me, almost crushing me.
“Princess, you should eat less,” I say, pushing her off. I secretly move away so she doesn’t feel my soft parts (like hers).
She giggles. “No! If I eat less, how can I carry you?”
?
Unbelievable! “You carried me?”
“Shh, don’t tell.”
Even though I’m a woman, I’m strong from years of work. Princess, how strong are you?
The princess drugged me heavily. It takes a while to sit up and look outside.
“Where are you taking me?”
“Actually, where should we hide?” The princess blushes. “Anzhi, no more brother. Just you and me.”
No! If you don’t want Lord Ping’an’s son, don’t involve me! Getting caught means execution!
I feel hopeless. I point behind us. “Oh, the Emperor’s carriage is catching up.”
The princess looks back, shocked. When the carriage stops, she sobs and hugs me. “Anzhi, why is fate always against us?”
I want to know too.
Why are your hands always touching where they shouldn’t?
Do you want me dead faster? Is my chest wrap secure?
Two deadly threats hang over me: Being discovered as a woman, and kidnapping a princess.
Yep. I’m doomed.

Chapter 11

The Emperor pulls the princess off me. He looks furious.
My replacement trembles, writing notes. He looks stressed enough to die.
“A princess running away with a lowly Recorder! You shame me!” the Emperor yells.
The princess says, “You’re just jealous!”
“Jealous of you?” He sneers. “After Wei Yi heals, he’s stuck with me every day. Even if you marry him, he still follows me. Do you want to be a neglected wife?”
This threat works. The princess turns pale.
The Emperor doesn’t look happy with me either, but not like he’ll punish me. He hands me to Butler Li and takes the princess back to her palace.
Back at the palace, Butler Li takes me to the Emperor’s bedroom.
He points to a couch in the outer room. “You sleep here now.”
?
I’m still injured!
No compensation for my injury, and now worse living conditions?
My old room was bigger!
Butler Li says, “Anzhi, the Emperor didn’t jail you. He lets you sleep near him. You’re more favored than me!”
I say blankly, “Looking at your face, I think you want to call me a royal favorite.”
He laughs awkwardly. “You noticed… I mean, don’t worry about it.”
First night sharing a room with the Emperor. I sit nervously on the couch, waiting for him to finish bathing.
He walks out, clothes messy. Butler Li looks troubled.
Me?
The Emperor says, “I’m not asleep yet, and you’re lying down? Come. Keep me company while I read reports.”
“Your Majesty, I’m on leave.”
“Stop arguing. Come.”
Oh. Imperial boss is back.
I grab my paper and brush. After standing half an hour, I speak up. “Your Majesty, put on clothes. You’ll catch cold.”
His inner robe is open, showing his collarbone.
The Emperor pauses. He looks at me deeply. “Wei Anzhi, you’re really stupid.”
Why insult me?
He sighs. “Fine. Get my cloak.”
I take the cloak from wary Butler Li. I drape it over the Emperor. I can’t help myself. I boldly fix his robe collar.
“How did you come out like this? The bathing maid should be punished!” I mutter, tightening his robe.
I look up suddenly. Our eyes meet. We’re too close. His warm breath touches my forehead. His gaze is intense.
If I’m not imagining it… it’s passion.
My breath quickens. I try to step back. The Emperor grabs my wrist, pulling me closer. I hold my breath.
He whispers, “Wei Anzhi, you are my closest person. I trust you. Don’t betray that trust.”
My heart jumps. “I won’t betray you, Your Majesty.”
He laughs softly, rubbing my wrist. “You better not.”
That night, I lie awake on the couch, wondering what he meant.
The Emperor calls from inside, “Move one more time, and you sleep on the floor.”
Gah!
Imperial workers have no rights!

Chapter 12

Hah! I shouldn’t have worried about the Emperor catching cold. He drinks health tonics like water. Only I get sick.
I didn’t sleep well. Before dawn, I wake up freezing. My blanket fell off.
A loud sneeze wakes the Emperor.
He walks out, squinting. He feels my forehead. “Wei Anzhi, how did you catch a cold in summer?”
He pushes me back under the covers. I feel sleepy.
The Emperor tells Butler Li to get the Royal Doctor. I sit up in panic. “Your Majesty! I’m not important enough for the Royal Doctor! Get Doctor Zhang!”
The Emperor looks at me strangely. “Butler Li, are you waiting for an invitation?”
I panic.
Doctor Zhang is the palace doctor I bribed with all my money. He keeps my secret: I’m a woman.
This is it. The end.
I wait hopelessly.
Strangely, the Royal Doctor and the Emperor say nothing. They calmly give me medicine.
Confused (Did acting like a man change my body?), I drink the medicine.
Then I fall asleep.
I feel strange – this cold medicine makes me very sleepy.
Oh no! Did the Emperor drug me to check if I’m a woman?
Gah!
Half-asleep, I see a hand.
The Emperor smirks. Butler Li and his apprentice hold my arms and legs. He peels off my clothes, layer by layer. He sees the cloth binding my chest. His eyes turn cold. “You are a woman.”
Then he tries to unwrap it!
I wake up sweating.
My clothes are fine. The sleeves are wrinkled like before.
Was I just paranoid?
“Guilty conscience hears ghosts”?

Chapter 13

My cold heals. My head heals. I go back to work. The Emperor says nothing strange.
Maybe I misjudged him.
The Emperor wouldn’t undress someone while they slept! He’s annoying, but not crazy.
Besides, the Royal Doctor didn’t react.
I believe it: My body became male! Even my pulse changed!
I’m amazing!
My replacement hands over the job, tears in his eyes. “You’re back! Work hard! Don’t get sick! Don’t get hurt! This job is only for you!”
I watch him walk away awkwardly.
Poor guy. The Emperor really wore him out.
Luckily, the princess is confined. I rest peacefully.
It’s not completely peaceful because the Emperor talks more.
“Wei Anzhi, you eat like a bird! Have more!”
“I’m full.”
“Get another bowl of rice. Drink your medicine later. Don’t pour it out! Your headaches keep me awake!”
Ridiculous!
Don’t make me stay here!
I angrily bite a chicken leg. The Emperor suddenly asks, “Your mom died a few years ago? After mourning, the officials sent you to the Archives?”
I pause. Why is the imperial boss asking about my family?
“Yes.”
“Your family is from Jianzhou?”
“Yes.”
“I heard your dad died young. Your mom raised you alone.”
I stop eating.
“Yes. Why the sudden interest, Your Majesty?”
“Nothing.” He looks thoughtful. “I took Jingyuan home. She told me something funny from your trip. About you.”
My heart stops. I feel cold.
What “funny thing” about me? It must be that.
The princess knew! That’s why she was quiet on the way back!
…So did the Emperor check me or not?

Chapter 14

I stand stiffly, head down. The Emperor laughs. “Why nervous? Did you and the princess… do something?”
Crap. (A plant.)
Scared me.
I force a smile. “Your Majesty, the princess is noble. I wouldn’t dare.”
He nods. “True. Only she would dare bother you.”
What?
He says meaningfully, “Wei Anzhi… deceiving the Emperor…”
Thump. I kneel instantly.
First a test, then a hint, now a threat. He knows I’m a woman. He’s giving me a chance to confess.
Butler Li and the others have quietly left.
I take a deep breath. “Your Majesty, forgive me… I only… wanted to serve the country. I hid being a woman to become an official.”
“Your papers say you’re male. Your mother was remarkable. Paying extra taxes so you could live as a man.”
“She just… wanted me to live.”
I grit my teeth.
I shouldn’t have hoped. As Recorder, surrounded by important people… I’d be found out eventually.
I should have stayed home as a teacher after mourning Mom.
But I just… wanted Mom to be proud.
She wanted me to succeed. She worked hard to make me act like a man and sent me to school.
If not for her, my drunk dad would have killed me at age three – like my three older sisters.
Mom couldn’t take it. One evening, she brought wine, got Dad drunk, and pushed him down a well.
Then, I changed from Wei Yi (girl) to Wei Yi (boy).
The Emperor sighs softly. “You… make things hard for me.”

Chapter 15

I get more “leave.”
Well, I don’t know if it’s leave. I’ll probably be fired soon.
The Emperor won’t punish me. He keeps it secret. But he can’t let me keep being an official.
He still makes me sleep in his outer room. We see each other daily. I get more and more anxious.
Like your boss gave you “leave” but wants to fire you, yet makes you sit in his office.
Butler Li is nicer to me.
Of course! The Emperor’s favorite isn’t a man! No more worries about him liking men!
The princess is freed. She visits happily.
“Anzhi, is my brother really putting you in the harem?”
“Princess, are you enjoying this?”
“My husband flew away! I’m sad!” She pouts. “Brother says if I don’t marry Lord Ping’an’s son, he’ll punish you!”
Ah, this…
Don’t drag me into your love problems!
The Emperor interrupts coldly. “I never said I’d punish Wei Anzhi.”
“Then why keep her here?”
“Keep her? She eats and uses what I do! Look how round her face got without work!”
?
Stop talking about my face!

Chapter 16

The stingy Emperor gives me a promotion! Shocks me!
I’m now the Royal Seal Keeper! Sixth rank!
Four extra taels of silver per year! Mom, I did it!
My replacement hands over the job weakly. “Don’t fight with the Emperor anymore. It hurts us bystanders!”
Oops… Sorry! I didn’t know the Emperor would be so generous, giving me a new job.
But when my promotion news spreads… other possible replacements suddenly get “sick,” “break legs,” “hurt arms.”
Crazy! I still have to do the Recorder job too!
One salary, two jobs! Who has it worse?
The only comfort: I can move back to my old room.
The Emperor smirks. “The harem is always open if you change your mind.”
“No! I love my job!”
Luckily, the Emperor starts visiting his wives again. Because he didn’t punish me, promoted me, and kept me near… Butler Li looks approving.
That’s… unnecessary?
But the Emperor won’t let me time his nights with wives anymore. He makes Butler Li’s apprentice do it and tell me.
Why be shy? I’m a woman, but I’ve heard the sounds for a year! My ears won’t fall off!
The Emperor asks me, “Since you like me, do you get jealous when I visit the harem?”
I can’t explain this misunderstanding. I say, “You are the Emperor. Why care what I think?”
Besides, what can I do? I’m just a seventh-rank Recorder/sixth-rank Seal Keeper!
He gets annoyed. “Wei Anzhi, you’re really stupid.”
Fine. Whatever you say.
(Note: One tael of silver ≈ $600 USD back then. The Recorder is rich! Author is jealous!)

Chapter 17

Hah! Unbelievable! Butler Li tells me the Emperor never actually slept with his wives! He just talked to them!
He tricked me and Butler Li with his apprentice!
Damn it! Notes can’t be changed!
I decide to ask the Emperor: Is he… unable? If so, he needs medicine!
At dinner, I ask carefully, “Your Majesty, feeling unwell lately?”
The Emperor looks at me. “Why? What are you worrying about now?”
I cough. “Just… any discomfort?”
He frowns. “Speak plainly.”
I push a bowl of soup towards him. “The kitchen made this special soup today. Very healthy. Especially… um… down there.”
I close my eyes like I’m dead.
No response.
I open my eyes. The Emperor smirks. Butler Li, who was signaling me earlier, is gone.
He asks slowly, “Wei Anzhi, because I pardoned you twice, you think you can say anything?”
I weakly protest, “I care about your health and the empire! Butler Li and the kitchen sent it! I’m just the messenger!”
Blame others first!
He puts chicken on my plate. “You know if I have problems, right?”
The chicken chokes me. I cough wildly.
Gasping, I say, “Your Majesty, stop teasing me.”
This is workplace harassment!
He laughs. “You won’t join the harem. Visiting is boring. But you all insist, so I pretend.”
Listen to him! “Pretend”! Is that what an Emperor says?
“Your Majesty, forget the harem for now. Drink the soup.” I scoot closer. I scoop soup and hold it to his lips. “It smells delicious. I want some too.”
The Emperor drinks it. He smiles.
“If you weren’t Wei Anzhi, I’d think you wanted something by making me drink this.” He licks his lips, smiling meaningfully.
“Daydreaming? Weren’t you making me drink?”
I snap back. Ashamed I was tempted, I scoop another spoonful for him.
Workers live without dignity.

Chapter 18

The princess congratulates me on my promotion. She brings me clothes – women’s clothes! She even tries to undress me!
I almost jump onto the roof beam.
“Stay back!” I cling to the pillar. I desperately look at the door. Why is the Emperor taking so long in the bathroom?
I’m slipping!
The princess holds up pink clothes. She stands on tiptoe. “Relax! I won’t do anything!”
This sounds very wrong.
The Emperor enters, face dark.
I jump down, relieved. I boldly grab his sleeve. “Your Majesty, save me from the princess!”
He glares at me, then waves at the princess. “Jingyuan, stop. The Lord’s son is looking for you.”
The princess turns pale. “You let him in?!”
“I’m already in.” A man I haven’t seen steps out behind the Emperor.
This must be Lord Ping’an’s son. He likes the princess but she rejects him. Even after she chased me, he didn’t give up.
I call him: The loyal dog gets his reward.
The princess seems less cold than before.
But she still resists. Specifically:
“Don’t come near me!” The princess runs and hugs me.
Wow. Scared me.
Is my room a stage for a love drama? A four-way romance?
The princess bumps me hard. I almost fall onto the Emperor. I signal him with my eyes: Help!
The Emperor reaches out, pulls the princess off, and pulls me into his arms.
The Lord’s son is stunned. The princess covers her face. The Emperor sneers. “How dare you touch my person? Jingyuan, you’re too reckless.”
I blush furiously.
I’m right here! Who said I’m “your person”? I’m my own person!

Chapter 19

Probably because the Emperor said “my person,” the harem wives hear rumors.
Consort Shu and Consort De corner me in my room during the Emperor’s nap.
“We hear the Emperor favors you lately?”
Yep. I knew this would happen.
Boss flirts carelessly. Office romance rumors spread.
I shrug. “Probably because I work hard. No one else wants the Recorder job.”
Consort Shu sneers. “A man using cheap tricks! Are you recording the Emperor or servicing him?”
Consort De scoffs. “You look quite handsome. No wonder he likes you.”
Consort De, that sounds wrong! Don’t compliment me in front of the jealous Emperor!
They picked the wrong time. The Emperor is “napping,” but lately, he sneaks into my room.
I sigh at the angry Emperor. “Your Majesty, Consort Shu wasn’t really complimenting me.”
Consorts Shu and De turn around, stunned. The Emperor stands at the door. “You have so much free time? Scolding my closest aide?”
Consort Shu explains, “Your Majesty, we just want you to think of the empire, the royal heir…”
The Emperor glances at me. He waves his hand. “There will be an heir.”
Consorts Shu and De leave happily.
I stare blankly as the Emperor approaches. “Your Majesty, I’m a man. An imperial official.”
The Emperor smiles. “Then I like men.”
Ah…
Not necessary!

Chapter 20

Okay, I rejected the Emperor.
Amazing, right? I think so too!
The Emperor becomes more demanding. This can’t continue. I came to be an official, not a royal favorite! At worst, a bad official!
The Emperor scoffs. “You, a bad official? Bad officials need brains! Royal favorites don’t! Really, consider the harem?”
Insulting my intelligence?
I forgive the insult. I wave my hand. “If I can’t be bad, I’ll be a good small official. Honest and simple.”
“You’ll pretend to be a man forever? What about marriage? Kids? You’re old enough. If you weren’t always with me, people would arrange marriages. Plan to hide by my side forever, unmarried?”
I say, “I’ll marry a man. Buy a simple farm boy for appearances.”
The Emperor rages. “Wei Yi! How dare you compare me to some country bumpkin!”
?
Did I mention you? So self-important!
Long ago, Mom taught me: Build a career before family. Pretending to be a man is risky. I need a high position so people won’t care if I “like men.”
Yes. Mom meant for me to marry a man.
Hah! Impossible! I fear the Emperor would kill him.
Actually, I don’t dislike the Emperor. We get along. He treats me well.
But his interest feels too strong. Relying on looks conflicts with how I was raised. I won’t lower myself.
So I reject him three times.
After back-and-forth, he angrily sends me to be a county governor near the capital.
Leaving, I grin. “Your Majesty, be nice to the new Recorder. Don’t scare him. Not everyone handles it like me.”
The Emperor waves like shooing a fly. “Go! Your round face annoys me!”
Ridiculous! You fed me!

Chapter 21

Hah! Unbelievable.
I knew the Emperor let me go too easily.
I find a nice, obedient farm boy. I hire him to learn office work.
That night, the County Deputy visits strangely.
I finish bathing, wearing only inner clothes. The Deputy climbs through my window, holding something.
Before I ask “Deputy, why visit at night?”, he looks up and smiles. I see what he holds: The Deputy’s face!
I fall to my knees, screaming, “Your Majesty!”
The Emperor looks disgusted. “So pathetic.”
I tremble. “The capital is close, but you can’t leave for long! The palace will be chaotic!”
“You think I’m as stupid as you?” He throws the Deputy’s face mask on the table. He beckons me. “I come occasionally. Your real Deputy sleeps peacefully outside town.”
No wonder the Deputy seemed smart sometimes, dumb other times! The Emperor was playing dress-up.
“Wei Anzhi, you’re bold now! Far from the Emperor, you think you can do whatever you want?”
I’m confused.
He rages. “You dare marry a peasant!”
What?
That farm boy is my new clerk! The Deputy is overworked; I got him help.
“Your Majesty, he’s my clerk. I won’t marry him.”
“Clerk? You want him near you day and night!”
Unbelievable!
You’re the Emperor! Why compete with a peasant? Why be so unreasonable?
“Your Majesty, the clerk works with the Deputy day and night.”
Only you stick to your staff 24/7!
The Emperor pauses. His face visibly brightens.
Hah. Easy to please.
He pinches my cheek. He pretends to be calm. “You lost weight. I sent special food. Why didn’t you eat?”
I scratch my head. “Last month, we solved a big case. I gave the food as rewards.”
The Emperor’s face darkens.
I quickly add, “I kept some snacks in my room.”
He sneers. “After your year-end report, stay in the capital. Work at the Finance Ministry. Saves me traveling to this dump.”
I didn’t ask you to come!
I rebel. “Then I won’t report. Only provincial governors must report.”
Nyah nyah! Annoy you!

Chapter 22

After getting caught, the Emperor stops pretending. He walks openly into my office.
Everyone thinks he’s my… kept man.
……
Understandable.
Because the Emperor complains about my housing and food. I have to treat him like royalty.
He takes my best room – my bedroom! He demands new bedding every time.
He only eats food from the best restaurant (because his chef works there).
Also, he hates my clerk. He criticizes his clothes and accent. Very petty.
Only the real Deputy knows the truth. He stays silent. Rumors spread. The Deputy looks at me strangely.
Don’t believe rumors! Ridiculous!
The Emperor isn’t mad when he hears.
He smiles sweetly. “Since that’s the case… dear husband… why not buy your little servant’s freedom?”
?
I’m speechless. Thanks.
“Your Majesty, stop joking. I’ll tell the clerk to stop the rumors.”
He stops smiling. “No. It’s not a rumor. Let people talk.”
I’m troubled. “…If people discover your identity…”
“Impossible.” He says firmly. “Wei Anzhi, marry me. Or I marry you. Choose.”

Chapter 23

Hello everyone. Big news. I really married a man. I fulfilled my mom’s wish. And I don’t fear the Emperor killing my husband.
Hah. I’m so happy.
Not really.
The Deputy finds me privately. He stutters, “Y-you-you really m-marrying the Emperor?”
I stutter back, “I d-don’t want to! B-but the Emperor f-forces me!”
We look at each other, tears in our eyes. Speechless. The Emperor bursts in.
“Wei Anzhi, how do I look in this?”
I turn around.
Wow.
He accepts his role easily? No problem? Trying on wedding clothes?
The Emperor looks handsome in dark red. Not feminine.
His sharp features soften in these clothes. He looks like… a rich, carefree young man visiting… certain places.
I say calmly, ignoring the Deputy’s horrified face, “Your Majesty looks magnificent. This color suits you.”
The Emperor is pleased. “You try yours.” He looks at the Deputy. “Why are you still here?”
The Deputy walks away stiffly.
I put on my groom’s red robes. The Emperor examines me. “You’re too thin. Eat more to fill out these robes.”
So the royal chef moves to my office. The whole office eats like royalty.
The Deputy chews a lamb leg happily. I stare at my piled-high plate. “All for me?”
The Emperor adds another bowl. “Yes. Finish everything. Get plump before the wedding.”
I finally got a thinner waist! He wants it gone? He criticized me before!
Dog man! Dog Emperor!
So, I married the Emperor…
Wow. Who would believe it? I married the Emperor!
Mom wouldn’t believe it! I “like men” so thoroughly!
After the wedding, the Emperor rushes back to the capital. He says if I skip my year-end report next month, he’ll spread rumors that I imprisoned and abused my new wife.
Leaving me to explain to my office: My wife went to the countryside to rest.
Everyone looks at me strangely.
Annoying!
Does the county governor seem easy to control?
……
Yes. He controls me.
I miss the noise when he’s gone. When he first sent me here and didn’t visit, or when he visited but had to leave for work.
Hah! I’m hooked!

---

Epilogue 1 – How to Handle an Emperor

After the year-end report (only provincial governors must go, but the Emperor is busy), I visit him.
Butler Li is happy, smiling widely. He takes me to my old room.
I’m surprised. “Butler Li, you don’t hate me as a royal favorite anymore?”
Butler Li waves. “Hah! That was because His Majesty had no heir then, and didn’t know you were a woman!”
I pause. “So… does he have an heir now?”
Did the Emperor do something behind my back?
Wow! Time to make the “imprisoned and abused wife” rumor true!
Butler Li grabs my arm. He looks down strangely. “Aren’t you pregnant? His Majesty bragged for a month! Said to feed you well when you return. After the baby, you can go back to being governor.”
???
What scheme is this?
I angrily confront the Emperor. “Your Majesty! How could you say I’m pregnant?!”
The tea servant drops a cup.
My replacement faints against the wall.
The Emperor pulls me onto his lap. He pinches my cheek, smiling. “I thought our wedding night would work. Since nothing happened… I guess I didn’t work hard enough?”
!!!
It’s broad daylight!
But my mind flashes to our wedding night.
Stop! I’m overheating!
I cough and push him. “I heard you’re arranging Princess Jingyuan’s marriage to Lord Ping’an’s son?”
“What does that have to do with our child?”
Are you obsessed with my belly today?
The tea servant has wisely vanished. My replacement is gone.
I bare my teeth. I bite the Emperor’s chin hard.
“Who was it who ran away the morning after the wedding? Leaving me to face rumors? Everyone said I was too… energetic that night. That’s why you ‘rested’ for over a month!”
His eyes darken. “Then I’ll show you who was energetic.”
According to Butler Li, Emperor, as Crown Prince and Emperor for five years, never… did that during the day before.
Hmm… I’m honored. Heh.

Epilogue 1 Continued

Why no children in the harem?
The Emperor explains, “I didn’t want children young. I drank medicine. They wouldn’t get pregnant.”
“And now, you’re in a hurry?”
The Emperor says, “I want a daughter as silly as you to play with.”
Listen! Is this human speech?
“Will you never touch them again? How will you explain? And our child? What status?”
The Emperor thinks. He calls Butler Li. “Bring Consort Xian.”
Consort Xian – a quiet woman I barely knew. Former Crown Prince’s secondary wife. Managed the household then. After he became Emperor, she stopped. Consorts De and Shu manage now.
Consort Xian sees me in men’s clothes on the Emperor’s lap. She isn’t surprised. She nods at the Emperor. “Last task? You decided?”
The Emperor nods. “Do this. I’ll send you to the northwest safely.”
What riddle?
I look confused. Consort Xian sits quietly in a corner, eyes closed.
“What’s happening?” I whisper.
“Tomorrow,” he whispers back.
Next day, Consort Xian returns and vomits. The Royal Doctor says she’s pregnant.
Wow! How?!
The Emperor complains, “Because you refused the harem! Our children must be raised under another name!”
“No.” I’m confused. “My belly is quiet! Consort Xian is pregnant now! The timing won’t match!”
He glances at me. Calmly, he calls the Royal Doctor back.
…
Unbelievable. The Emperor’s plan is this?
After the Royal Doctor examines me… something even more unbelievable happens.
I am pregnant. Over a month.
The Emperor rages. “Wei Anzhi! You’re so stupid! How can you not know you’re carrying a child? What if you lose it accidentally!”
I rage back, “You didn’t work for a year! How could I know you worked that night?! Besides, if I weren’t pregnant, how would you explain Consort Xian’s empty belly in ten months?!”
Important truth: Never say a man doesn’t work. Especially if he’s the Emperor.
If the Royal Doctor hadn’t warned him about early pregnancy, I might have died.
His look was scary.
Confined in the palace at Consort Xian’s place, I remember the drugged sleep.
“Since you were asleep, pretend I did nothing.”
I kick him. “Tell the truth!”
The Emperor scowls. “Wei Anzhi, you’re bold now! Kicking your Emperor?!”
Oh, scary! I’m so afraid!
“I wouldn’t dare. I’ll return to my county to reflect.”
The Emperor stays silent. He feeds me a plum. Finally, he mutters, “That day… only I was in the room. No one else saw.”
?
Am I worried about others seeing?
“If I were truly male, Your Majesty would need to wash his eyes.”
“If you were male, I wouldn’t mind liking men.” He pinches my cheek. “Your mother worked hard. Your face is quite handsome and cute.”
The kept “man” feels empty. Pregnancy makes me irritable.
“Don’t come to my bed unless you drink your medicine! My mom’s coffin won’t stay shut if she knows I’m like this!”
“I’ll hold it down. Focus on our little princess.”
I roll my eyes. “The Royal Doctor said twins. Maybe a boy. Why only want a daughter?”
He smiles, offering another plum. “Just want a silly daughter like you.”
I bite his hand angrily.
Pregnancy makes me brave. I drop formal speech. When uncomfortable, I kick him and yell.
The Emperor has great patience.
Consort Xian agrees. “In his younger days, I never saw him so patient. You must be special. He admires your courage – pretending to be a man, becoming an official. It’s natural he likes you. He’s never met a woman like you.”
Of course! I’m amazing! Besides rank, I’m perfect!
Labor is agony. Consort Xian holds my hand, encouraging me. I scream and yell, “Dog Emperor! If I have another child for you, I’ll reverse my name!”
Unbearable! Mom was amazing, having four children!
I keep my word. After recovery, I take my son and the Emperor’s decree back to my county. I remain the distant governor.
My daughter? Kept by the Emperor.
He says, “You leave? Fine! But keep my daughter? Then why should I stay?!”
Afraid he’d abandon foreign ambassadors, I reluctantly leave my daughter.
So annoying! He’s acting like a child!
New Year is in two months! I’ll be back!

Epilogue 2 – Princess Jingyuan

First time meeting my rumored fiancé, Lin Yu: He’s on a pleasure boat. I’m… chasing fish? No, falling in the river.
He laughs at me in the water. “Princess Jingyuan! How fun! Playing in the water!”
I spit water. “Can’t you see I fell? Pull me up! Or I’ll tell my brother!”
He laughs forever, then hands me a bamboo pole. Exhausted, I kick him once pulled up.
He smiles, steadying me. “Save your energy.”
This guy? I wouldn’t marry him if he paid me!
Father and brother have terrible taste.
But he feels guilty. He sends gifts to the palace every three days. Silly fun things. I accept them, but not because I forgive him.
Later, at a tavern, a rude man interrupts a singer, trying to touch her.
Angry, I slap him. The idiot doesn’t recognize me! He tries to hit back.
I almost think Lin Yu has a “Hero Saves Beauty” sign on his head.
He kicks the idiot down. “If I see you again, I break your legs! Go!”
He turns to me, becoming a flirt. “Princess! We meet whenever you go out! Fate!”
I roll my eyes. “Bad luck.”
“Oh? Then why wear the pendant I gave you?” His fan flips up, touching the glass pendant on my waist.
I slap his hand away. “My jewelry box is full! I grabbed one randomly! Bad luck!”
I rip off the pendant, throw it down, and run.
Looking back, Lin Yu stares at the broken glass.
Why do I feel guilty?
Fine. If he misses it, I’ll send a replacement. I’m generous.
Later, confined by my brother, Lin Yu dares to climb my palace wall!
I glare at the guards stopping me but ignoring him. “How much did he pay? I’ll double it!”
Lin Yu laughs. “His Majesty hinted I come. They won’t stop you. Here. New popular lip color. Try it?”
I pout. “Which girlfriend recommended it?”
He winks. “Nope. I visited shops for three days. Try it?”
I wave. “Fine. Since you begged.”
On our wedding day, he says similarly, “Taste this wine? Sweet. His Majesty chose fruit wine for you. Like it?”
I snap, “If I don’t like it, can I skip it?”
Lin Yu shakes his head. “No. Must drink the wedding wine. Or we won’t be harmonious.”
I glare. “Thinking of disharmony already? Regretting marriage? Missing your girlfriends?”
Lin Yu looks pained. “My Princess, where did you hear about girlfriends? I’m innocent.”
He coaxes me to drink. He kisses the wine from my lips. “I knew since childhood: My wife is a noble princess. How could I shame her?”
I blink. I wrap my arms around his neck. “Remember this. If you take another wife, I’ll have my brother break your legs.”

– The End –

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